So I just came back from the cinema, where I watched Pacific Rim. If you haven’t seen it, this post won’t really be very useful to you. If you have seen it, though, then this post will be totally useless to you.
First of all, I have to say that, as a movie about huge robots fighting dinosaurs (which is pretty much exactly what I expected going in), the movie delivers. There are many huge robots, and many dinosaurs, and quite a bit of fighting, so I enjoyed it a lot. However, there are many things that could have been done differently.
I think that the writers of Pacific Rim took it a bit too seriously. If you’re making a movie about robots fighting dinosaurs, you probably need to be a bit tongue-in-cheek. I believe the following to be a pretty accurate summary of the movie:
SCENE 1 HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON There's another giant lizard coming up off the shore of Los Angeles, threatening to raze the city to rubble. We need all the fighter jets we can manage. NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST General, we tried that before, but they all just keep crashing on the monster. HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON Can't they just fly higher? They *are* jets, after all. NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST (Confused) ...Higher, sir? HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON Ugh, never mind, just get me a giant robot that can punch this thing to death. ------ SCENE 2 HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON Deploy the huge robots, called "Jaeger"! JAEGER-CARRYING HELICOPTER 1 Hey, you know these billion-dollar machines we're carrying? Wanna just drop them from a high altitude just for fun, rather than put them down gently? JAEGER-CARRYING HELICOPTER 2 Dude, that sounds awesome, I bet we can't drop them from 300 feet without them noticing. (HELICOPTERS DROP JAEGERS) JAEGER-CARRYING HELICOPTER 1 Hahaha man, I can't believe just we got away with that! We have to try it again next time. ------ SCENE 3 JAEGER PILOT 1 Hey, if this thing plugs directly in our minds, why do we have to move our hands and feet and things? I mean, this robot just mirrors hand, arm and leg movements, they could just read our movements, and we'd only need the one pilot. JAEGER PILOT 2 (Shrugs) Ionno, they explained it at school, I remember something like "plot device", but I'm not sure. Let's fight this monster. (Lots of punching and destruction ensues, 38,000 people are killed) HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON OVER INTERCOM Jaegermeisters, deploy photon cannon and blast the thing back where it came from! JAEGER PILOT 1 No, wait, let me pick up these shipping containers and punch it with them, even though they'll probably feel like empty Coke cans to it. HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON OVER INTERCOM It would appear that your well-thought-out plan is not working... JAEGER PILOT 1 We are surely doomed! Oh wait, I forgot this thing has a huge-ass sword that can just slice these creatures in half. NOBODY EVER ...you know, it would have probably been prudent to use that *first*. Also, if these things can just be blasted apart, you can *definitely use missiles which we've had for, oh, fifty years now*. ------ SCENE 4 EVERY COASTAL CITY ON EARTH So these huge, slow-walking monsters have been coming from the sea once every week for the past five years, should we maybe move away from the coasts? Hmm, on second thought, probably just stay here. ------ SCENE 5 HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON We need to drop a nuke into the portal the monsters are coming from, that way it will go to their planet and kill them all. JAEGER PILOT What makes you think this will work? HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON I have a plan. We will get a ship to drop the remote-controlled nuclear bomb right over the rift and steer it in. NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST No! We need to get one of the Jaegers to dive in the rift with the bomb! Also, this will fail, like all the other times! HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON *Why* do we have to send a Jaeger to some unknown dimensi... Wait, which other times? NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST I don't know, plot hole, never mind me.
Pacific Rim 2
I’m pretty sure there is going to be a Pacific Rim 2, so I would like to volunteer to write its screenplay, for absolutely no charge! Here it is:
HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON These monsters are endangering life as we know it. We need some sort of super-weapon to fight them. NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST General, we have exactly what you need. We have built building-sized robots that carry missiles, pulse weapons and rockets to punch these things back where they came from! HARD-ASS MILITARY PERSON Uhh, can't we just mount these weapons on fighter jets and blast them from above? I mean, these are basically giant walking fish, with zero flying (or even jumping) ability. NERDY-BUT-FUNNY SCIENTIST Well, we tried that, but it didn't look nearly as awesome.
Or, I would just skip all the pretenses and go for something like this:
SCENE 1 ANNOUNCER Here's 90 minutes of giant robots punching huge lizards. (90 MINUTES OF GIANT ROBOTS PUNCHING HUGE LIZARDS)
I feel that would make for a much better movie. Also, more explosions.
